Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
