Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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