Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
