I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
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