Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
