Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
