is your mom at the bar?
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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