I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
