when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
