We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
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