My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
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