I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
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