can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
