I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
