I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
