This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
