Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
