if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
