remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I love you.
Bad choice
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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