4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
