My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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