Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
