Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
