she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Randomize
