He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
