I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Randomize
