when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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