as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
try to milk me bitch
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