No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize