ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize