everyone is single if you try hard enough
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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