My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
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