I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
