Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize