Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
