6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
