sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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