Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
