I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
