Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
