i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
