Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
