I CAN MOONWALK!
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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