I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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