Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
