There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize