she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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