Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize