I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Randomize
