So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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