All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
