toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize