you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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