just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
