dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
