He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
