I was born with a shot glass in my hand
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
