i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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