I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
