In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
