Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
