Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Hello my rib-scented angel!
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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